36 Quick “Ah-Ha” Moments Inspired by My 36th Birthday…
Two weeks ago, I turned 36. Initially it felt like a pretty inconsequential year. It wasn’t a milestone year. There’s wasn’t a great deal of change in my life. Nothing new to announce. Yet, I was grateful to see September 5th come around again. The older you get, the more you realize that every birthday matters because every birthday represents another year that you’re still here.
I didn't think I had anything new to say. But in these two weeks I’ve done a bit of reflecting. I happened to catch the Red Table Talk of Jada Pinkett Smith’s 50th (it’s a must-see) and it dawned on me — I do have something to say! This last year has taught me a lot about myself. After seeing RTT, I’m in a sharing mood. So here are my 36 ‘ah-ha’ moments in honor of my 36th birthday. My top 10 tips are expanded at the beginning. The remaining 26 are quick & dirty, but I hope they penetrate your heart too.
1: We don’t get do-overs in life. LIVE ON PURPOSE.
I was sitting on a Manhattan rooftop with a friend last week celebrating her 40th. She asked me what was one of my reflections as I turned 36. I told her it’s simple: THIS is the life that we get. THESE are the years that we will tell stories about in our older age. This is it. We often live so cautiously waiting for the moment when we will feel confident enough, financially secure enough, famous enough, to take bigger risks & to live out loud. But y’all, I’m here to tell you. This is it. Don’t wait until you feel more adequate, more successful, more secure — do it NOW. Whatever your “it” is, do it now. LIVE ON PURPOSE.
2: By now, you’ve built something. Celebrate it.
Listen. There’s a lot of things in life that you probably wish you had accomplished by now. We all have our, “I wish I had” lists. (I wish that yacht behind us was ours…) But at 36, I took a look at my life and said, you know what, I have built something that I’m proud of. For me, that’s my relationship with my husband, Andrew. We’ve been married 11 years, together for 16. That means for 16 years I have intentionally sown physically, emotionally, intimately, spiritually, and financially into this relationship. Those 16 years matter. Too often we brush off the things we’ve built as thought they were bound to happen but give yourself credit. Whatever you’ve built didn’t just happen. It took dedication and intentionality. Celebrate that. Don’t take it for granted. What have you built by now?
- Have you built a sturdy career?
- Have you raised some beautiful children?
- Have you been going to therapy regularly to rebuild yourself?
- Have you restored some familial relationships?
- Have you kept the same best friend for decades?
What have you built? You don’t get to age 36 without having built SOMETHING. We often just take that thing for granted because it’s been with us so long. But trust me. It’s time to take stock of your life. Pat yourself on the back. Toast yourself.
3. Celebrating others is the key to sustaining your own happiness…
Each of the three above pictures happened between July — September of this year. Each represents milestone moments for people close to me. And each time, marking their joy, deepened mine. If you haven’t figured life out yet, let me give you one of my takeaways: life is better when you do it with people you love. It’s actually biblical. Romans 12:15 tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice & weep with those who weep.” If you wait in life to be happy ONLY when something good happens to you, you’ll be waiting a long time. Life doesn't work that way. Individual wins are few and far between. But crew wins? Let me tell you. If you learn to celebrate your crew as hard as you celebrate yourself, you’ll never be without seasons of joy in your life — even at your lowest points. Ask me how I know…
4. Change is the only constant…
I’ve had A LOT of change in my life over the past year. I used to hate change. I always felt like I poured so much of myself into things and people that I hated the rug to be pulled out from under me. But what I’ve learned this year is the more you come to expect change, the less it destabilizes you when it happens. Expect change. Embrace change. Know that the same God that kept you BEFORE the change will be with you after it. God is the only being that changes-not.
5. Don’t Lose YOU
There was a period in my life where I would drop everything to be there for those I loved. But as I approached this birthday I realized I was losing myself. I was forgetting the things I liked because I had grown accustomed to tagging onto the likes of others. I was forgetting what makes me come alive because I was so busy trying to re-vive friends and loved ones who had forgotten what makes them come alive. I forgot to check on my own pulse. I forgot to tend to my own soul. I forgot to buffer my heart so that there was something left for me after I had given to so much others.
Keep track of you. Don’t lose you. Go into hiding like Michaela Coel told us if you need to. But keep track of YOU. No one else can do that for you. They can love you but they can’t find you. You are responsible for You.
6. BREATHE
I had a health scare at the top of 2021. I couldn’t breathe. And no, it wasn’t COVID (I tested negative multiple times). My health scare prompted an assessment of my life that was long-overdue. I ended up doing an improptu cross-country road trip to clear my head. I learned at the end of that trip to remember to BREATHE. Inhale & exhale. Every single day. No matter the stressors: inhale & exhale. No matter the pace: inhale & exhale. Please remember to breathe.
7. FAMILY IS EVERYTHING
I’m at that age where my role in the family has changed. As we age, the way we care for our loved ones changes too. I can’t put into words HOW your family needs you to evolve, but my tip to you is DO IT. Whatever your family needs from you right now, do what you can to be there for them. They need you.
9. Close fewer doors…
I used to be a very rigid person. I had categories for things and people in my life and I responded accordingly. But right around my 30th birthday, I realized that that rigidness wasn’t helping me, it was hurting me. I was giving too many unspoken ultimatums to the people in my life. I’ve worked hard these past six years to lessen my grip on how people can or cannot show up in my life. I’ve learned to leave the door open more (cue Bruno & Anderson).
2021 has felt like my own personal year of return. So many people, experiences and opportunities that I thought had left me for good have found their way back to me. I’ve realized in my life that there aren’t many doors that I need to close permanently. My tip for you? Assess your life. Do you really need to close all of the doors you’ve closed? You may not have to…let life run its course.
10. Recognize your dream when it comes to life!
Let me tell you something, living the dream isn’t only when EVERY PIECE of the dream has come true. Living the dream is when your dream comes to life. Period! Too many of us ignore our dreams coming to life because there are still pieces of it that haven’t become fully known.
If you know me, you know I founded & launched a church with my husband called The Double Love Experience Church in Brooklyn, New York. For a long time I wouldn’t let myself fully bask in the fact that we were living the dream God showed us because there were too many things on the to-do list that hadn’t gotten done. We didn’t have thousands of members yet, we didn’t have a multi-million dollar budget yet, we weren’t getting mainstream media hits yet and all the other things that I imagined would come to pass when we birthed this dream.
But this year I’ve given myself permission to say — I am living the dream! I’m living the dream God showed me all those years ago. Who cares if there are things about it that I still want to see materialize? That will come when it comes but it doesn’t take away from the miracle that the dream that once was only in our spirit is now tangibly alive and well in the world!
Give yourself permission to say, I’m LIVING THE DREAM every time the dreams God shows you come to pass. Honor God at every stage of the journey. It’ll change your entire perspective!
THE NEXT 26 TIPS ARE QUICK: EXPOUND ON THEM IN YOUR PERSONAL TIME HOWEVER YOU FEEL! LET’S RUN IT.
11. Never give 100%. Always leave something for yourself.
12. In between the laughter lies the truth.
13. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.
14. Go for it! What’s stopping you?
15. You heard them correctly. That’s exactly what they meant. Now, move on.
16. Peace is priceless.
17. Folks don’t owe you a thing.
18. Do you enjoy your own company? If not, why not? If so, why?
19. Everybody is insecure about something.
20. Everyone is just trying to make it.
21. Sometimes people go into hiding for no other reason than their souls needed to hibernate…
22. Tip #21 Translation: it’s normally NOT about you. So close fewer doors (see tip #9) and enjoy the ebbs & flows of life.
23. Sometimes the thing you pray for doesn’t come. But I’ve found God will give you the grace to handle whatever does.
24. Don’t spend every dollar you make.
25. Keep entering rooms that scare you. It’s how you expand your network.
26. Good work ALWAYS speaks for itself.
27. Commit to something bigger than you.
28. Take more trips.
29. Be honest with yourself. Always.
30. You can ALWAYS start over.
31. Never attach your worth to being the exception.
32. Less group time. More one-on-one time…
33. More video calls.
34. More laughing out loud.
35. More Rest.
36. More Love.
