Musings, Moments & Metamorphosis
35 Tips On My 35TH!
If we weren’t in a pandemic I would probably be having a big 35th birthday party somewhere. But in this pandemic, where parties aren’t safe for us and black life is too precious to risk, penning a digital birthday reflection feels spot on. Here is my offering to you on my 35th. 35 musings on moments in my life that have led to my personal metamorphosis. I hope that some of my musings move you to live more deeply into the truest essence of who you are. I want to see us thrive! You deserve to thrive!
THE LIST
- I am enough
- I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my scars…
3. I need people in my life who cheer for me publicly.
4. It’s okay to change your mind.
5. Insecurities can keep you from the best life has to offer. Don’t let them.
6. Sometimes life IS that good! Don’t sabotage it.
7. Stand by Those You Love.
8. Be who you actually are, not who you think they want you to be. People can always smell a fraud.
9. You can recover.
10. People aren’t villains. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing of.
11. Hard work ALONE doesn’t pay off.
12. Everyone is risking it all…
13. Fall in love with someone: it’s as good as you think it is.
14. Start your own traditions.
15. Learn what you like & do more of it.
16. My worth is not determined by my work.
17. Take it personal.
18. Be aware of your triggers.
19. Tell your own story.
20. Spend time with people who bring you joy.
21. Stop apologizing.
22. Don’t wait for a special occassion…
23. Learn how to pause not quit.
24. I AM NOT YOUR SIS.
25. Feed hope. Starve doubt.
26. Shoot your shot.
27. Perfect your craft — you don’t have to be a natural…
28. The moral cost of sitting at some tables is too high.
29. Live communally.
30. Dream new dreams.
31. Pay it forward.
32. No, you may not pick my brain. Pay me.
33. Ask the elders in your life to tell you stories.
34. Take up space.
35. Be kind to yourself.
- I am enough
It’s a cliche. You’ve heard it before. But it’s true. You are enough. I learned this in the fall of 2017. I had just turned 32 years old and made the decision to travel to Cambridge, England to live and study there for three months. I left everything I knew in New York City: took a sabbatical from my job as an associate pastor, resigned from my positions of leadership at Yale, talked with my hubby about whether he thought our marriage could withstand my being away for 3 months, prayed, took a deep breath and I went.
Something phenomenal happened when I went. Suddenly I was living in a place where no one knew me. No one had expectations of me. No one knew my history. It was a clean slate. In those months I learned that I was enough. I spent my weeks in Cambridge and my weekends in London. I traveled to Italy, Paris, Amsterdam, Portugal, and Ireland as weekend getaways just because I could. I linked up with a group of Black ex-pats who invited me in with open arms to their friend circle. I learned my way around the UK with no phone plan, hopping from WiFi to Wifi networks. I learned in that time period, that I really was enough. It gave me the confidence to know that I can start over at any point in my life and I will make it. It taught me that I can always rebuild.
The highlights of that trip were the weeks once a month that my husband would come to spend with me. Having him there meant the world. But when he would hop on his plane each month to head back to NYC, there I would be. Alone but aware that I was enough for my journey. When I got back to New York after those three months a lot of things changed in my life. The changes were hard but the lesson of the UK experience was the certainty that I could always begin again. And so can you.
2. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my scars…
Scars have stories. Scars have stories. Scars have stories. Yet you don’t owe anyone the story of your scar. Just because someone asked you what happened doesn’t obligate you to share. Our stories are sacred. Share only with those who can honor your story. You’ve lived through some things. You’ve got a story to tell. Not everyone is worthy of your story. Learn to decipher who is.
3. I need people in my life who cheer for me publicly.
I’ve always been the person that people thank and/or affirm in private. It’s odd. For awhile, I felt selfish for wanting people to affirm me out loud. I felt guilty and self-absorbed for wanting this and yet I would see the same people that withhold public praise of me and my work cheering loudly and publicly for others.
What was it that made people treat me like a professional sidepiece? I looked up and I had become someone that folks went to for professional counsel or support but who acted like the barely knew me in public. As I grew older I began to realize that the why didn’t matter. I could spend all day analyzing people’s actions and I could still be wrong because I’m making assumptions. What mattered was for me to unpack what I needed.
This became apparent to me in 2016. I was excited to embark upon a professional milestone as a plenary panelist for a conference that I respected. I along with 4 other panelists were the keynote conversation in a room of 700 attendees with thousands more individuals viewing the livestream. About 3/4 of the way into the panel some audience members walked up to the Q&A mic to name that they felt that we as panelists were not properly reflecting the subject matter at hand. The room quickly went into an uproar as those at the Q&A mic named the ways in which they thought our panel didn’t measure up to the lived experiences of those we were representing. I was crestfallen. I felt I had missed a critical transformative moment to stand tall within my expertise. I felt suckerpunched. Why hadn’t I seen it coming?
I was near tears but didn’t let the tears win. Person after person named how horrible the panel was. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I had bombed so intensely. Hours later, after all of the drama died down, people began to text me saying that my commentary was on point. I was asking those I trusted where I went wrong and they would say “oh your points were good,” “your comments were fine…,” I was instantly relieved and furious. If I had done well, why wouldn’t people name that at the time when I needed to be rescued from that professional slaughter? Why “all panelists” us when it was “some panelists?” The folks that texted me never offered a public defense of my work in that moment. It took me months to recover.
At 35 I can say, I need people in my life who don’t hide their professional and personal relationships with me. I need people in my life who will offer support in the moment. I need people in my life who cite me. I need people in my life who say my name in rooms I’m not in. To some this might sound selfish. To others this might sound self-absorbed. But in my metamorphosis I’m unapologetically naming that that is what I need. Period.
4. It’s okay to change your mind.
When I was a freshman at Hampton I felt like I didn’t fit in. I had a rocky first semester and by semester two I had told my family that I wanted to transfer schools. My brother-in-law came to Hampton from Dallas, packed up my dorm room, shipped all of my things home and my family helped me finish the college transfer process. It was settled in my 19 year old mind that I was leaving.
And then as the summer began to progress I started reminiscing about the things I would miss about Hampton. The more I sat with it, the more I feared I had made the wrong choice. Around July I mustered up the courage to tell my mother that I wanted to go back to Hampton. God bless my mother, she is a saint. She didn’t make me feel badly about my choice. She asked me was I sure. When I said that I was, she began calling Hampton University administration repeatedly until she reached them. By August my mother had somehow worked the miracle of securing campus housing for me in the honors dorm and gotten me cleared for registration. My brother-in-law packed me back up, my big sister gave me some counsel and guidance and back to Hampton I went. My family never made me feel badly about changing my mind.
When I arrived on campus that fall, I had a new appreciation for my school. Several months later I began dating the man who would ultimately become my husband. Sometimes we lock ourselves into big decisions only because we fear people will think we are crazy if we change our minds. I’m sure my family thought I was nuts. But they stuck by me and they empowered me. They also taught me the lesson that I kept with me for the rest of my life: it’s okay to change my mind.
5. Insecurities can keep you from the best life has to offer. Don’t let them.
As a child I was extremely shy. I didn’t like talking in front of people. I always second guessed myself. I was too nervous to even order a meal at McDonalds. I remember my older sister used to encourage me: “speak up Gabriella” when people would ask me questions. I was always fearful of saying the wrong thing. As I got older, I spoke more but still feared that I would say the wrong thing. What if I cracked a joke and no one laughed? What if I made a point and someone thought it was stupid? What if I tried to dance but did it the wrong way? I was always second-guessing my own abilities.
But when I got to college, I met a 20 something year old named Marcus Williams. He didn’t attend our school but he was a local promoter in the area and was convinced that I would make a great host for a concert he was producing. The year was 2005 and at the time, I had been working as a radio DJ at our campus radio station. Marcus was convinced that I needed to emcee. My insecurities nearly got the best of me. I told him no a few times but he refused to take no for an answer. I finally gave in and said yes. That moment changed my life. I later graduated and moved to New York where much of my life’s work was connected to me having a mic in my hand. At one point I was on set of a BET show, I was there with a client. Once again my insecurities began to rise up. What if I wasn’t cool enough for BET? What if my client thought I didn’t have the answers she needed for her production needs? What if I couldn’t do this. I called Marcus from the studio and he reminded me just like he had at Hampton, that I was born to do this.
Marcus died suddenly in 2011, just 9 months after being a groomsman and vocalist in my and my husband’s wedding. I’ll always be indebted to him. He saw past my insecurities. He saw what I could not see.
6. Sometimes life IS that good! Don’t sabotage it.
I grew up with the “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” mantra in the back of my head but deep down I didn’t really believe it. For much of my life things were really good. My mother worked hard to sacrifice for me so I never lacked anything. Beyond my needs, she made sure I had all of my wants too! In fifth grade she got me a puppy, at age 15 she got me my first cell phone, age 16 she got me a car, in college she got me my first iPod & macbook (when they first came out!) I can go on. In my life, things were good. Beyond material things, we had a deeply loving home. Life was good.
I almost bought into the lie that because I lived in a single parent household that somehow life must have been harder for me. Society wanted me to accept that because my father was not present that I somehow had an upbringing that was less than. But my experience was different. Our household was full of love, full of peace, we were complete just as we were. Sometimes your life is actually as good as you think it is. Don’t worry about it changing for the worst, just enjoy what you have. You deserve happiness. The statistics don’t have to be your reality. Just live your life.
7. Stand by Those You Love
The summer of 2007 was the summer after I graduated Hampton. I had planned to enroll in grad school at New York University that fall but in between Hampton and NYU I took a summer internship in Nashville interning for a woman I had a huge deal of respect for — CeCe Winans.
CeCe had a conference that she ran every year called Always Sisters. As an intern I was assigned to work that conference. I worked with the artists as an assistant to the stage manager. As a result, I had backstage access to everything that was taking place.
One of the guest artists that day took my breath away. It was Whitney Houston. Now this was Whitney of 2007. Whitney who was recently exposed on Bravo’s Being Bobby Brown series as full of life but a touch erratic. Whitney of 2007 was no doubt a superstar but this wasn’t Whitney of The Bodygaurd and Waiting to Exhale, this was Whitney whose personal life was making more headlines than her music.
Still, Whitney and CeCe had a storied history of friendship that their fans knew and loved. I’ll never forget the moment that CeCe called Whitney to the stage. Whitney was so happy to be with her Winans family. Whitney felt like singing so the band began playing her and CeCe’s hit: Count on Me. At the very moment that the media was trolling Whitney, CeCe was visibly proud of her friend. Whitney sang a bit more tentatively than usual but CeCe adjusted to her pace. They sang as only sisters can. It was clear that Whitney felt safe with The Winans. They honored her. They covered her. They loved her.
I learned then that true friendship is when the love is evident even when our friends come under scrutiny. The loving bond between Cece & Whitney that day was one I will never forget. It reminded me of how important it is to stand by those you love.
8. Be who you actually are, not who you think they want you to be. People can always smell a fraud.
It took me years to realize that folks are attracted to people who are comfortable in their own skin. Folks can smell a fraud a mile away. Quirky folks who are confident win over rehearsed swag every time. Be you. Trust me. Anything else is a waste of time.
9. You can recover.
In 35 years of living I’ve seen people recover from horrendous scenarios. I’ve seen people bounceback from some of life’s cruelest blows. I’m here to tell you, whatever life throws at you — you can recover. You are more than the worst thing that has happened to you.
For me, getting fired from a job I loved was my low point. Some would say that that’s no big deal but for me, I had attached so much of my identity to what I did for a living. Without that I spiraled into a serious identity crisis. I was embarrassed. Unsure of how to begin again. My pride was hurt. For awhile I was paralyzed by my shock and disappointment. But I can tell you this, I recovered. I recovered and you can too. I learned so much about myself in that journey towards recovery. I’m a more self-aware woman now because of the process that that season of my life catapulted me into. Your situation might be a lot more dire than losing a job, but let me tell you — you can recover. This too shall pass.
10. People aren’t villains. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing of.
Understand this: no one is a villain. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a reason. There are some experiences in my life that I’ve lived through where I painted those who opposed me as villains in my memory. It was easier for me to see them as one dimensional people who had done me wrong. But as I got older I realized that everyone is continuously in a decision loop of choices. Some people choose poorly and act in a villainous way towards us but that same person might be an angel towards someone else.
I’ve learned the key is to decipher who to allow into the intimate places of your heart. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. So as a result they may not handle you well. You don’t have to stick around for the mistreatment. Not everyone deserves access to the intimate spaces of your life. They may be great to others and horrible to you. Try your best to see them as fully human not villains, but if they aren’t treating you well, let them go.
11. Hard work ALONE doesn’t pay off.
I’m a worker. If I’m passionate about something I will work relentlessly until I reach my goal. I used to subscribe to the idea that if I worked hard that my work would speak for itself and I would ultimately have professional opportunities because of it. I quickly learned that hard work alone is not enough.
Hard work alone won’t get you there. It takes relationships. It takes conversation partners. It takes relational capital. Regardless of your field, working in silos is not enough. Don’t get it twisted, building true relational capital is hard work. It isn’t a cop out; it’s a necessary part of the work ethic of someone who plans to succeed. The work alone won’t get it done. You’ve got to build relationally alongside doing the work.
12. Everyone is risking it all…
I used to think that everyone successful had a master plan that they were working. As I saw people flawlessly move from company to company, getting promoted, launching businesses, getting married, having kids, buying property, moving cities, getting their degrees, etc. — it seemed like everyone knew what they wanted for their lives and were going about it precisely.
I’ve lived long enough to know now that everyone is winging it. Everyone is taking risks and hoping they pan out. No one knows for sure how these things will work out. But if you take enough risks, eventually something will pay off. You would be surprised at how many people you admire stumbled into some of the life-altering decisions they made for themselves in their lives. Cut yourself some slack. Take some risks!
13. Fall in love with someone: it’s as good as you think it is.
I love my husband. Like I REALLY love my husband. I always have. I always will. He and I started dating in college and got married just a couple weeks before my 25th birthday. Life with him has been a dream. Really. I’m not exaggerating. Falling in love with Andrew is one of the greatest decisions of my life.
I say decision because at a particular point I had to give myself over to the organic rhythms of our relationship. At first I was trying to calculate everything. I didn’t want my heart broken so I tried to measure how much I allowed myself to be into him. I didn’t want to be a young couple cliche so I was afraid of getting married too early. I had so many rules in my head about what I should or shouldn’t be doing. But when I decided to give myself over to the organic nature of falling in love with him, everything else worked itself out.
Everyone deserves a great love story. Everyone deserves to love and be loved by someone who has pledged their life to being with you. My advice to you is if you’re in the process of trying to balance love with all of the other dimensions of your life — just make space for love. The other things will work out. You deserve love.
14. Start your own traditions
Traditions are sacred. They’re commitments that you make to yourself and those who share them with you to commemorate things with intentionality. Most of us have holiday traditions, but traditions matter in other aspects of our lives too. About six years ago I began a tradition with my close friends to travel annually together. In the beginning the tradition was easier to keep because we all lived in the same city. But as we began to move to other cities the tradition became harder to keep but that much more sacred and meaningful. Traditions don’t have to only be those you inherit. Start your own. Traditions and rituals add value and expectation to our lives. They matter.
15. Learn what you like & do more of it.
I’ve discovered new things that I love that I didn’t grow up doing. I love Yankees baseball games, scenic road trips, long bike rides, drive-in movies, sailing, lake-side relaxing, facetime phone calls, live music sets, international travel, photography, city parks, nights in with friends, and family time. It took me years to realize that these are things that ALWAYS bring me joy.
I also had to learn what I don’t like. I’m not a fan of book clubs. I don’t like paint nights. I’m not a huge fan of most museums (though I love the Guggenheim in NYC & The Tate Modern in London, but that’s about it). I’m not a foodie. I love to go out to eat if the vibe is right but not for the food, I go for the ambience. I’m not big on Broadway plays — it takes a particular kind of script to wow me. I’m not a podcast girl. I’ll listen every now and again but I’m not subscribed to any of them.
There were times when I was younger that I would do things I didn’t like just so I wouldn’t be left out. Now, I’m completely comfortable saying no to the things I dislike and saying yes to what I love. It has made a huge difference.
16. My worth is not defined by my work.
This is big. It’s one thing to say it. It’s another thing entirely to mean it and to internalize it. This is the kind of self-worth that serial entrepreneurs have. This is the inner confidence that it takes to fail forward. Without a healthy disconnection of our selfhood from our work we will stunt our own growth. When we learn that we are more than what we produce it frees us to imagine differently. It gives us space to dream. I found the beauty of this while unemployed. Once I stopped trying to make up answers for people who asked “what do you do” I unlocked the power of naming who I am despite what I do. The freedom that comes with that kind of awareness is priceless.
17. Take it personal.
Listen, I know that folks continually say “don’t take it personal” when they make moves that affect us but I would offer that you should always assess how you’re personally affected by someone else’s engagement with you. I’ve learned that telling myself not to take it personal sometimes translates to me ignoring the way certain things make me feel and that isn’t healthy. I’ll admit that sometimes people do not intentionally mean to harm BUT if the impact of their engagement with you harms you then you owe it to yourself to assess how you are on a personal level.
Never let others define for you how you’re allowed to feel. If something personally harms you, you owe it to yourself to check-in with yourself. I’ve learned that pausing to check-in with myself to see why certain things affect me has helped me to do the self-work I need to do so that when people are moving how they need to move it won’t affect me as strongly.
So take it personal. Spend time working on you. It’s far better than ignoring your own feelings.
18. Be aware of your triggers
This is directly connected to point number 17. Sometimes things affect us personally because they set off our triggers. All of us have certain things that trigger us. Past experiences leave scars and as I said earlier, scars have stories. Sometimes the lingering trauma of those stories lingers in our bodies as triggers. That’s what causes a harmless joke to send us into a personal tailspin because it reminds us of a moment of trauma in our lives that other people know nothing about.
Triggers can cause us to act out in an emotionally rash way. We’ve got to be mindful of our triggers so that we don’t place ourselves in scenarios that might cause us to lose our cool or set us back emotionally. The personal work of naming and keeping your triggers top of mind is the kind of groundwork for flourishing that all of us need to lay.
19. Tell your own story. “If you’re silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” — Zora Neale Hurston.
Practice telling your own story. People need to hear your voice. They need to hear your perspective. Don’t let others co-opt your life’s journey. No one can tell your story like you. In my work as a brand strategist I ask my clients all the time: who are you? How do you want to be known? These questions are critical. The older I get the more I answer in story form. Storytelling is a powerful tool. Spend some time with yourself. You would be surprised how many stories we’ve hidden. How much truth we’ve buried. How much joy we’ve forgotten. Go back and recover your story. Tell it with fervor and flair. No one can tell your story like you!
20. Spend time with people who bring you joy.
Remember when we were in elementary school and our parents or teachers required us to make valentines day cards for everyone in the class? Or when your birthday rolled around and your parents had you invite the full class? We did that at a young age to help young people build self-esteem. But as we grew older we naturally gravitated to some and not others. Keep that same energy as adults! Stop inviting people who drain you into the intimate spaces of your life. Life is too short for that. You deserve safe spaces with friends who get you whose company you enjoy. Don’t settle for anything less.
21. Stop apologizing.
Half of the things we apologize for don’t require an apology. An apology is owed when you’ve done something wrong but many of us apologize for every little thing. We apologize for having different opinions. We apologize for not wanting to socialize in the way that others do. We apologize for things that aren’t our fault. We’ve got to stop doing that because what we are doing is conditioning ourselves to believe that there is somebody else in control of running our lives that we need to please. That’s not it. You are in control of your life. You decide how you want to move in this world. Don’t give your power over to other people. Empower yourself to make decisions that are edifying for you. Unless you’ve actually harmed someone, you don’t owe them an apology. So stop apologizing!
22. Don’t wait for a special occasion…
I love special occasions as much as the next person. But I’ve stopped living life in a way that only allows me to splurge or celebrate on special occasions. Life is too unpredictable for that. We miss opportunities waiting for the perfect occasion to embrace them. Embrace life! Trust me, special occasions will still be special, but build a lifestyle of celebration. Celebrate the small wins. Grant yourself permission to sit in the moment. Pause to take in your good news whenever it comes. Sneak in mini-celebrations in between the big ones. Celebrate life. Honor your journey. You deserve it.
And when special occasions come: do them big! Shout out to my family for the epic party we threw my Mom last year. She’s still raving about it. With a pandemic this year she’s cherishing the memories we created last year. So make memories when you can, where you can! It matters!
23. Learn how to pause not quit.
I’ve gotten frustrated on more than one occasion in my personal and professional life. In my twenties if I felt I couldn’t handle something I would leave. If I had conflict I couldn't resolve with a friend I would cut them out of my life. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned the beauty of reconcilliation. I’ve seen the power and the beauty of learning how to redefine a situation and try it another way. I’ve learned that sometimes you don’t have to leave. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You might just need to pause and reassess. If I could do it again, some of the friends I quit on would still be in my life. Some of the jobs I ended might still be clients of my consulting business, some of the entrepreneurial ventures I began might still be running. Learn to pause, reassess, and redefine before you quit. It might be the perspective you need to hold onto something that you’ve worked hard for.
24. I AM NOT YOUR SIS.
A strange thing happens in my profession. People start calling me sis after they’ve been my FaceBook friend for 2 weeks and have heard me preach, teach, or consult. Let me make this very clear: I am not your sis. I am your pastor. I am your minister. I am your brand coach. I am your colleague. I am your facilitator. I am your guest keynote. I am someone with three degrees working on her fourth with 15 years of work experience and several areas of expertise. You do not know me. I reserve the word sis for those I’ve actually built sisterhood with. You should do the same. If you can call my male counterparts Rev., when you don’t know them; If you can call my male counterparts coach, when you don’t know them; If you can put respect on their names, when you don’t know them, you can do the same with mine. Let me say it again for those in the back: I am not your sis.
PS: if you’re my actual sis (real friend in real life for whom I have shared experiences that have bonded us like sisters) you may call me sis. If you don’t know if that’s you, refer to the previous paragraph.
25. Feed hope. Starve doubt. We all know that our doubts can take over if we let them. But what would happen if instead of feeding our doubts we fed our hope? What if we started imaging what would happen if things went well instead of obsessing over what would go wrong? Feed your hope.
26. Shoot your shot. You’ve got to try! It may seem impossible. It may seem far off, but if you don’t try how will you know? We miss 100% of the shots we don’t take. Believe in yourself enough to try. You never know, the outcome might surprise you!
27. Perfect your craft — you don’t have to be a natural…
Let me let you in on a secret. Many of the people who you think are naturally gifted are people who have worked on their craft. Naturally gifted singers have vocal coaches. Naturally gifted public speakers often have a speakers bureau to help them secure engagements, athletes have coaches, leaders have mentors, everyone you think is naturally gifted is actually getting help, so why aren’t you? No one is self-made. The idea of a self-made individual is a myth. Don’t beat yourself up for not being naturally able to compete on the highest level. Take some time to work on you by perfecting your craft. Invest in yourself. You don’t have to be a natural, just be committed.
28. The moral cost of sitting at some tables it too high.
Nina Simone said it best, “you’ve got to learn how to leave the table when love is no longer being served.” Too many closed door high power meetings require us to check our integrity at the door. Sometimes the price to play the game costs too much. Don’t sell your soul simply to be on the inside of a powerful group. You’ll become just like them if you’re not careful. In my 35 years of life I’ve had to walk away from some tables that were turning me into a version of myself that I didn’t like. Sometimes you have to love yourself enough to say I’m going to accomplish my goal but I’ve got to do it another way. I don’t want it like this. As Matthew 16:26 reminds us: “what does it profit a man [or woman] to gain the whole world but lose their soul?”
29. Live communally.
It’s a very western concept to live in a way that we only look out for the individual. Our ancestors on the continent of Africa live communally. They live in a way that ensures everyone in the community has what they need. I’ve learned that that is the best way to live. As the African proverb says: “if you want to go fast go alone, but if you want to go far go together.” Living communally ensures long-term benefits for our people. Living communally means even though my husband and I don’t have children yet, we need to look out for the young people in our community. Living communally means checking on one another. One of the silver linings that I saw in the beginning of the pandemic was people living communally. Ordering groceries for the elderly, checking on loved ones with pre-existing conditions, sharing information with all. There was an all for one and one for all spirit that emerged at the beginning of the pandemic, when people realized that we were all in this together, and that our opportunities for survival depended on how we helped each other get through this pandemic. It is my hope that as conditions change for the better that we still remember that we are all connected.
30. Dream new dreams.
As I get older and get settled into the rhythms of my current life I’ve reminded myself that I need to keep dreaming. One dream of mine has manifested already: my husband and I launched our own church in Brooklyn, New York. It’s still surreal to me that our church exists in the world and yet I’m calling myself to envision new dreams for our church. I want to dream afresh about who we can be, who we can reach, and what our work in the world will continue to look like. For as long as we are living we should all have new dreams!
31. Pay it forward.
At this stage in my life I’m mid-career. I’ve experienced a lot and have a few best practices up my sleeve. It’s incumbent upon me to pass that along to the generation behind me. I’m also at a stage in my career where there are skillsets that I have that can benefit the generation ahead of me as well. As I sit in the intersection of mid-career milestones I consider it a joy to be able to assist and equip those who’ve been doing this work longer than me as well as those who are just starting out. What a gift.
32. No, you may not pick my brain. Pay me.
Let me go ahead and call this straight: 15 minutes on the phone with me can change the trajectory of your career. The strategy skillsets that I’ve acquired over my career are gold. I know it and you know it, that’s why you want to “pick my brain.” But at age 35, we’re not doing that anymore. Pay me. Cite me. Value me as a professional. If you don’t value my work enough to pay me for it and cite me when you use it, then we don’t need to have this conversation. Period.
33. Ask the elders in your life to tell you stories.
Too often we hear stories about our elders at their funerals. Why wait until then? If you have loved ones, neighbors, community leaders in your life who you know well, ask them to tell you a story. Their stories are priceless. Their stories also give us a glimpse into the history of our own families and communities. You would be surprised what you find out when you simply make time for a story with your family.
34. Take up space.
I noticed lately that I tend to play small when I first enter a room. I usually assess who the players are. What the customs and traditions are. Where the energy is in the room, etc. But one day I said to myself, this is ridiculous. I don’t need to be myself in response to the energy I sense in a room, but rather, I need to be myself period. The people who have the most influence are the individuals who are themselves in every room they occupy. It becomes their signature. People know what to expect. People know what they are about. I began to ask myself, am I making my presence felt in this room? Am I contributing to the conversation? Would they miss my voice if I wasn’t here? The answers to those questions challenged me to take up more space. The shift has allowed me to do much more relational building and has given me more confidence. Take up space y’all. If you’re going to be in the room — be in the room!
35. Be kind to yourself.
Wow. You made it to the end of this list! My parting note for you is to be kind to yourself. We have high expectations on ourselves and while we all hope that we reach the goals we set for ourselves I want to remind us to be kind to ourselves. Life is hard. We’re living through two pandemics, making decisions as situations arrive, attempting to forge some sense of normalcy in an abnormal climate, and so much more. Be kind to yourself. For me that looks like taking breaks. It looks like actually giving myself time to do the things I enjoy. It looks like actually pausing to celebrate my birthday even though the conditions for celebration have changed. Be kind to yourself. Kindness goes a long way. Even when it’s kindness shown towards yourself.
