T.I. | Jada | And Red Table Talk

It has always bothered me when charismatic people make jokes about the harm they cause. It has cost me many friendships. It has cost me a seat at the cool kids table time and time again — but I have never been willing to laugh at the jokes of those who paper over their harm with humor. I cringed throughout the entire interview as Jada laughed heartily at T.I.’s quips at his wife. Let me back up: for those who don’t know, Red Table Talk is an intergenerational conversation series hosted by Jada Pinkett Smith, her mother Adriennie Banfield Norris and her daughter, Willow Smith. The women (minus Willow) took some time to interview T.I. and his wife Tiny last week in a two-part interview series. Part 1 gave T.I. the opportunity to explain why he accompanies his teenage daughter annually to the gynecologist to hear a report on whether his daughter’s hymen is still in tact…(I will not discuss this hugely problematic issue in this piece). Part 2 of the interview gave T.I. and Tiny the opportunity to share how they kept their marriage together after being on the brink of divorce.

Jada Pinkett-Smith coddled T.I. the entire interview. Charisma is disarming. Charisma is magnetic. Charisma changes the climate of a room. T.I. had his charisma turned all the way on and Jada ate it up. This is how our women stay with abusive, controlling, charismatic men. Throughout the entire interview, Tiny was visibly uncomfortable, continually silenced by her husband, refuted by him on nearly every example she offered, and all Jada offered was “neither of you are wrong.” Sis, what? How? In what world?

We’ve got to get to a point where we stop laughing at the jokes of controlling men. Being their amen corner when they spew their toxic perspective reinforces in their minds that they are always right. Giving them space to feel like they are right even while giving our sisters the side eye indicating that we know they’re wrong isn’t enough anymore. We don’t need any more sisters hi-fiving toxic men in public, then privately texting their wives saying how foul the man is. It’s time for women to name the harm we see in public. Jada has the capacity to call people our. I’ve seen her do it on the show. But she chose to hide behind similarities that she claims existed between their marriage & her own. She chose to hide behind “I’ve been there and it was on me to change” without turning the corner to name the part her husband played in how they landed where they landed.

And this is how we send women back into harmful environments. We do it by our comparisons. We do it by our co-signs. We do it by our laughter. We do it by our “there are fine people on both sides rhetoric.” And I am tired of it.

Black women: we have got to stop caping for toxic black men. We are so afraid of being labeled angry black women, or nagging black women, or male-bashing black women, or feminist black women…we are so defined by the male gaze that even at a table with 3 Black women, the man at the table comes out virtually unscathed. Jada chooses to end the interview by saying: I see so much love here…I just love y’all. And folks — there it is. How can women like Tiny ever be heard when women like Jada bend over backwards to affirm something that everyone can tell, is toxic.

Now I am a huge supporter of marriage. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years (5 dating, 9 married). I’m a clergy person and have facilitated pre -marital counseling & officiated the weddings of many — yet, we can’t root for marriage so badly that we ignore the harmful patterns that have been entrenched in people’s relationships. Yes marriage is hard. Yes marriage takes sacrifice — but all marital issues aren’t created equal. Fighting to use your voice or be heard, begging for fidelity, two decades of being controlled and manipulated are not signs of a healthy & long-lasting marriage. They are signs of a marriage in crisis. I disagree with Jada. I do not love them together. I don’t see love I see control. I don’t see love I see habits. I don’t see love I see nostalgia. Yet, I do believe that people can change. I hope they really do continue their counseling and their journey to wholeness. But what I hope most of all, is that all women will choose to use our voices to name what we see even in the face of charisma. Not all abuse is physical. Not all abusers “look scary.” Some are charming. Some are funny. Some dress well. But you know an abuser when you close your eyes and hear them talk. You recognize an abuser in the tension you feel when they take up space in a room. All abuse is toxic. It must be stopped. May we all — women & men find the courage to call abuse out whenever and however we see it. No more laughing at harmful jokes. No more supporting of narcissistic charismatic abusers. We can disarm them. Let’s try.